You drive home after staying late at work again (someone has to get that report done). You pull into your driveway thinking about all the different places that kids have to be. You look in the mirror and see your neighbor walking towards your car waving.
“Ugh,” you think to yourself. You like your neighbor, it’s just that you’re not feeling friendly and have no energy.
Your neighbor proceeds to ask you to watch their dog this weekend. You think to yourself, “Do they ever ask any of the other neighbors or friends?”, you swallow your desire to say, NO MORE!! and instead, you sweetly smile, “Sure.” Your neighbor tells you that you’re the best and goes back home. You smile with satisfaction for a brief moment, turn, and thoroughly defeated, walk into your house.
Does that sound familiar?
Unfortunately, this scene or similar scenes are played out every single day. Maybe this is what every day looks like for you. Ugh!
So, are you ready to change it?
If you are a “people-pleaser”, saying yes, when you really mean no, you are adding additional stress to your life on a regular basis. But, how can you say “No” and not feel guilty?
Watch the video of this post here:
How to assertively say “no” and not feel guilty
There are 4 reasons that people say “yes”, when they really mean “no”:
Reason #1: Seeking Approval
This is more likely to happen when you don’t have a deep rooted understanding of your own self-worth. Now, don’t get me wrong, wanting to be liked isn’t a bad thing! Without some measure of wanting to “seek approval” from your fellow man, the world would be in constant chaos from the conglomeration of self-serving zombies.
But if you allow your value and worth to be completely dependent on what other people think, then you create a void in your life. You create a black hole that is constantly seeking approval from others and in this constant effort of seeking approval, it leaves little to no time to take care of yourself…because, well, taking care of yourself doesn’t deliver any sense of self-worth.
See the problem?
The Fix:
- spend time getting to know who you are
- accept who you are
- love who you are
You are a special, amazing person. Take yourself on a date and figure it out!
Reason #2: Superwoman Complex
This happens when you’re unrealistic about your own personal limits. You think you can do it all…or, it can’t be done well unless you get it done. That’s just plain crazy and, well, arrogant. you CAN’T do it all, you’re not meant to do it all and usually, doing it all means that you leave taking care of yourself out of the equation.
If you do take care of yourself, it’s only sometimes or if there’s time.
Mmmm, how’s that working for you?
The Fix:
- look at the obligations you’re currently obligated to
- if needed, break those obligations into smaller tasks
- add time to take care of yourself
- prioritize your new list
- decide if there’s something that needs to go away and set limits for yourself
Leave being Superwoman to the cartoons – instead, become a woman who is super!
Reason #3: Unclear Priorities
If you’re looking at everything in your life with the same measure of importance, at some point you will say “Yes” and default on something that’s truly important to you and someone you love. Ouch.
The Fix:
- decide what you will not compromise
- make a promise to yourself (and another person, if involved)
- only break that trust in a true emergency
Having clear priorities in your life will give you a greater sense of self, help you to feel more confident and help others to value you more as well. Ooooh, a win-win!
Reason #4: Do For Others What They Can Do For Themselves
This is similar to the Superwoman Complex. The main difference is the reason behind saying “yes”. Saying yes here is typically more about “caring”. You “care” about your child, so you clean up their room, make their lunch, clean up after them, and etc, etc, etc. I put “caring” in quotes, because this isn’t necessarily caring especially if you’re not teaching your child to take care of themselves. And, it doesn’t necessarily have to involve a child. You may be doing things for a friend that they can absolutely do for themselves and should do for themselves.
The Fix:
- change your definition of the word “care”
- recognize that sometimes caring is letting go and teaching instead
- allow people to take personal responsibility and give them a chance to grow
So, if you have great sense of self-worth, have your priorities straight, understand and accept your personal limits and let others take care of what they should be – you will have a MUCH easier time saying no and not feeling guilty at all. Allow yourself to be more assertive!
How did this article impact you? Anything to add? Leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you!
Be BOLD and Kick Your “Stuck” to the Curb™
Doing things for people all the time is not good, but being a good neighbor is hard to find. So many people work that they are not willing to help their neighbors.
Agreed, Debbie. It can be hard to find a good neighbor. On the other hand, a people pleaser will “train” the neighbor to always come and ask them, because they will always say “yes” – no matter what (this is the important distinction). It’s okay to say no sometimes. If they truly are a good neighbor, they’ll understand!
Deidre, This post gets a thumbs up “Hell Yes!” but the kind of “yes” I don’t mind saying! As a recovering people-pleaser I can admit to being guilty of indulging in all 4 of your reasons. Part of it had to do with the way I was raised and what the expectations were around my “role” in the family. But, that carried way longer into my adult life than was necessarily or healthy. In one of my recent blog posts as part of the UBC, I wrote a list of the 13 things I tolerate that I’m deep sixing. Much of what I chose to eliminate from my life relates to what you’ve talked about here. Kudos for a great post that will be so helpful to so many!
Thanks, Evelyn! It’s true, many times those 4 reasons exist is because of how we were raised and the expectations of those around us. Thankfully, we have the power to change all of that. I’ll have to check out your post of the “13 Things”. 🙂
I work from home and I’ve got a serious issue with people asking for favors thinking I just sit at home and do nothing. When I do say no they get so offended. It’s taken a long time to be able to just say “No, I don’t have time” and let them be upset.
For a long time number #3 was my problem, but I couldn’t see it. It wasn’t clear to me. Eventually I woke up and started to prioritize what was important for me and that didn’t happen overnight. Thank you for posting about this, Deidre. You’ve really done a great job at getting to the core of the problematic thinking associated with saying “yes” too often.
Jocelyn, it is problematic and easy to fall back into! Thanks for coming by. 🙂
Very lovely and thorough article, Deidre. I have worked with and interacted with friends who would relate to much of this. Self-worth, valuing oneself and their time, resources and energy are a great place to start.
It’s so sad that so many people value themselves so little, but there is hope! Because of instances in my childhood, I also had low self-esteem – I’m so far from that now. Anyone can make changes in their life if they’re ready to move forward and learn. I sincerely appreciate your comment, Hemal.
Reasonable, yes? But apparently she’s been chastised for being divisive. Yeah, I guess so. Like Christ was being divisive when He said, “If your right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee.” Some things are worth dividing yourself from.
Focus on others or the present moment If you find that you’re afraid of saying something because you’re worried people will think your comment is stupid, well stop thinking about yourself. Think about the situation. Be in the present moment. What are they discussing? Focus on that.